drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
