Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
