so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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