i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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