Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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