Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
