the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
