I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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