just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
