I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
