she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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