Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
