If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
