The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
