My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
