This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
