Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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