I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
