alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize