She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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