So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
