I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
