bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
