i just wanna soil my oats bro
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
