I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
