my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
