he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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