I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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