dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
