I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
