I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
