So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
