He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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