Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
