saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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