Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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