Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She told me I should be a condom model.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
