My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize