saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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