There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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