I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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