Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
