you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
