Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
