That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
