Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
