Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
