You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
