i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize