I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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