Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize