You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
