By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
