last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
