Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
