Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
