Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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