In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize