He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
