I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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