Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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