I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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