C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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