i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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